1 YEAR!
Happy Cancerversary to ME! Did I just make myself a new holiday? You bet I did! Did I even take a personal day to "celebrate" said holiday? Absolutely!
I put in for this personal day MONTHS ago, not knowing how I would feel about this date. I thought about how I wanted to spend the day, but I couldn't make any decisions until about 2 weeks ago. Would I want to spend the day doing something? Being with people? Wallowing on my couch? I knew I didn't want it to be anticlimactic as sometimes New Year's Eve's of the past were (aside from the NYE weddings- those kicked ass) or my birthday sometimes is. I planned the whole thing out, and so far, it has not disappointed!
Replaying April and May, and looking at the appointments on the calendar has been a weird trip. Constantly on my mind, I've been thinking about how scared I was. Mammogram on March 29, biopsy on April 8, phone call at 3:10PM on April 10 and then not knowing anything. And then the waiting- waiting for the MRI, genetic testing, prognosis, treatment and surgical options and recommendations.
Today my overwhelming feelings have been those of peace and gratitude. Let me be clear- I am NOT grateful to have had a cancer diagnosis. THAT makes me feel angry and frustrated and the assholes at the Capitol are well aware that Iowa is the 2nd in the nation and rising quickly to first for cancer diagnosis per capita, and it doesn't need to be like that! But they'd rather screw around with public education, human and civil rights and women's bodies than deal with REAL problems! End rant- back to peace and gratitude....
I am grateful to my body. Wait, am I? It also tried to kill me! It's complicated. Something clicked in January of 2024 which caused me to get serious with Weight Watchers (I blame age, Trump and COVID for the big gain, although let's be honest, I just really like food!) I lost 30 pounds between January 14 and April 14. Did my body know it needed to get healthier because a fight was coming? My body has handled two surgeries (lumpectomy and hysterectomy) and radiation like a champ. Because of my lack of hormones and threat of osteoporosis, I finally got semi-serious about a more consistent exercise habit which has improved all aspects of my life...although most of those 30lbs from last winter are back. GAH!
Here's the deal. While cancer isn't a death sentence, I know how lucky I am. While my diagnosis and treatment lasted about 5 months, I know many who have to count by years instead of months. Have your annual screenings, go in if something feels wrong, MAKE them HEAR you.
I am grateful to science and medicine. A mammogram in September 2023 signaled a follow up check would be necessary 6 months later. That March mammogram found the cancer- 5 millimeters-the size of a pencil eraser. I feel so fortunate to live where I do, all of my doctors, surgeries, treatments, etc, have been within 17 minutes of my house. Additionally, I'll give a shout out to my Shaman. While I am a big believer in Western medicine, I'm also a believer in "well shit, it can't hurt, let's do it!" I'm going to choose to believe what Jim did on his Shamanic journeys helped me have a better prognosis and helped me heal.
I'm grateful to my people. I don't even know where to begin. Thinking about all of the love, support, stuff, help, words of wisdom, etc. I've received in the last year is what gets me the most emotional. From the moment I received my diagnosis to now. Women who've walked the path and are willing to share their stories and answer questions. My family who had to have been scared, but rose to the occasion- they were willing to help with anything. My friends-I couldn't have done this without text messaging. Seriously. How did anyone survive before texting? Jason and Nolan- we laugh about the "butt hole" I've worn in the couch this year...they've been so patient and indulgent through all of the TV watching and book reading. I feel like COVID and now cancer robbed us of some normal kid time with Nolan, but he's been a champ. Screen time limits. Who needs um!?!😳 I am also so thankful I work where I do. Kindness and love abound.
Might I recommend you not wait for a "Cancerversary" to have a day like I am having today! It's a legit ME day!
7:30- Drop off Nolan for Quizbowl (parents could have attended-this parent did not.🙈)
8:00- Today Show, eggs and peanut butter toast (my favorite breakfast!)
9:00- Rowing (The 9AM class is wild compared to the 4:30PM class!)
10:00- Cold Brew from Scooters and pastries from 5 Borough Bakery (Why yes, I DID have 2 breakfasts!)
11:15- Pedicure (National Geographic of bears fighting and mating was on the TV...😂)
1:00- Blog
2:30- Pick up Nolan, deliver flowers
4:00- Massage with Nichole (one of the women I drum with is an amazing masseuse)
5:30- Hessen Haus with Jason, Nolan and my parents (I picked this as a reminder of our amazing trip that also happened this year!)
What's next for me? Well, the next big date on the calendar is May 15, the anniversary of the death of Tabitha and Tallulah the twatty tumors- I don't think that will feel like as big of a big deal. I'm more looking forward to Jason and Nolan's birthdays (May 16 & 19) because they MAJORLY got the shaft last year! I won a suite at an ICubs game at the Waukee Foundation auction, and we're celebrating there on Jason's birthday! I think Nolan's throwing out the first pitch! I hope it's SO fun because they deserve it!
Healthwise- I will have a breast MRI in June or July then an appointment with Dr. Torstensen, my surgical oncologist. That will be nerve wracking. I will alternate mammogram/MRI every 6 months for at least 5 years-then I will start to see Dr. T's PA. Then the week before school starts I will see my medical oncologist for a check up. That, too, will happen every 6 months, probably for at least 10 years. I started a blog post the day I graduated from my radiation oncologist, but abandoned it:
This afternoon I graduated from my Radiation Oncologist! This is the dad of Nolan's friend, who I will continue to see at all the music things....WITH a shirt on! I am 100% sure this has bothered me more than him. I am thankful that he knows who my kid is, and who I need to stay healthy for. I'm also thankful our kids are friends because I know he's a good human! Dr. Bodine said unless there are issues, I will continue on with my medical and surgical oncologists, and see him as a fellow parent at school functions. Fingers crossed we can both make eye contact. 😂
Knowing these medical relationships will continue in some way, probably for the rest of my life, makes me feel sad, angry, and frustrated. I'm also thankful that I will be closely monitored and taken care of. I will continue to row, drum, and attend therapy for my body, mind and soul.
A couple of people have asked me what to do for friends of theirs who have been recently diagnosed. Everyone's story and needs are different. Weekly funny or inspirational cards, gift cards for food, nice notes, a list of tv shows to watch, gift cards for button down shirts and sports bras, flowers, a boob pillow, a random text on a Tuesday just checking in...that's the most important thing, just checking in. Chances are, if you ask someone what they need they'll say nothing...so do some googling or send them a pizza. It's ALL appreciated!
While hearing of other's diagnosis hit differently now than it did BC, I hope I can continue to be an ear or shoulder for others who are diagnosed, or just awaiting results of diagnostic testing. It truly takes a village. I couldn't have done this year without mine.
This blog, although quiet lately, has been a tremendous outlet. While I would consider myself an extroverted introvert I knew from the beginning staying private about this wasn't an option. I needed to share my story as a means to heal, educate, and inform. I'm sure this has been uncomfortable to read at times...it was sure raw writing it. I will continue to blog when I need to, or if something interesting happens. I think I will finally close the tab tonight.
