Normal!?!

 4/19/24

Today was a good day.  It was my first "normal day" since Monday, and I needed it!  It's interesting how perspective changes.  School feels good because it's something I know and is within my circle of control.  5th graders were bowling today so I spent the extra 30 minute gift of time filing, organizing and putting some things away that I would normally put away at the end of May.  I started making lists of sub ideas, things that will need to come off the wall/be put away, and other things I need to finish/do.  

I got to pick up Nolan from musical practice, started laundry and took a couch nap, and the three of us have been on the couch watching Amazing Race and Rock the Block all. night. long.  Bliss.  I did do some grading while couch sitting, but again, circle of control.

I did talk to Kali, my Katzmann nurse navigator.  She really just helped me process the MRI and what that may or may not mean.  Basically, everyone's diagnosis is uniquely theirs, and we won't know what mine is until we get the results.  Of course the hope is that the lymph node is enlarged for some reason UNRELATED to cancer, and of course we hope that whatever the 5mm spot in my left breast is, it is not cancer.  IF they are, we hope they're estrogen and progesterone positive.  And we're still hoping the genetic testing comes back negative!  This weekend I need to start working through the possibility of chemo and a mastectomy.  

This weekend I'm looking forward to normal, quiet, relaxing.  In the last week and a half I have never stopped thinking, "I have cancer."  It's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and it's on my mind all day long.  Does that ever go away or is this just normal now?

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