The Day Everything Changed
4/10/24
Remember when we had to have blogs for school? I thought the world was ending. I’m lucky to still be employed…and how many people actually read them? Exactly. Bottom line….if someone would have told be that I would be blogging by choice I would have laughed in their face. Mom says CaringBridge is for people who are dying. I feel like I know a lot of alive people who use(d) Caring Bridge. But I also want to be able to put things in one place so everyone knows everything and no one has to wonder, so here we are.
B.C. Before Christ….did I ever use this term? Maybe in Western Civilization at Simpson with Joe Walt? Maybe? I got a C. It’s a big maybe.
B.C. in 2020 that’s what I started calling the time Before Covid.
B.C. as of today, April 10 at 2:55 PM, the moment my life changed. Before Cancer.
How many tears are actually in my body, because I haven’t stopped crying?
Trish, the breast navigator at Mercy called and left a message to call her back at 2:30. I called at 2:46, she called back at 2:51. She told me that they found a "little bit" of cancer in the biopsy that was taken on Monday. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. She would send my information to the Breast Navigators at Katzmann and they would call me in the next 24 hours to schedule a consult with the surgeon. She couldn’t tell me what that meant or the stage, but she was nice. I can’t imagine having her job. She even understood my questions through tears (picture Rachel and Monica telling how much they love each other and will miss each other when Rachel moves out.) She said the breast navigator would help with mental health concerns as needed too.
While I was calling Trish, Erin, my school counselor came in, I shooed her away, but as soon as I was off the phone I sent Erin a text asking her to come back. Thank GOD for Erin. Erin doesn’t even like to hug, but she held me and let me get snot on her jacket, and made sure I could pack up my desk. I’m 100% sure she would have driven me home. And then SHE got to finish her day and do her duty AND tell my administrators. Not to mention the counseling via text tonight….and always.
I drove home, and listened to nothing on the radio. Jason was working from home and Nolan was home early from Quiz Bowl, it was 3:15ish. Jason and I went upstairs and I told him. How it is possible that I don’t remember much of that? Then we told Nolan. Remember, I haven’t stopped crying? ….well I was crying and I told him, and I was honest and said I was scared, but I’ll be ok and fight, and we don’t know much right now. And did he cry because I was crying or because he really gets it? He held my hand while I talked and hugged me, and then we asked if he wanted to go to my parents with us and he said no. And within 3 minutes was back on YouTube. So then Jason and I weren’t sure if we should leave him, but also this was not news to share with my parents over the phone (Monica and Rachel), nor via text. So ultimately we decided he’d be ok with some alone time and went to my parent’s house.
I sent them a text that we were coming over. I’m not sure that they thought anything about it. Mom was inside and Dad was chainsawing. Lord. Chainsawing. No. Trips. To. The. Emergency. Room. Anyway I made mom follow us out there so I could tell them both together. Dad was weepy- which is fairly normal for him- (lexapro would be his friend), mom was more business and preparation as she has dealt with multiple melanomas in situ and recently had the opportunity to google her own breast “fun” (not cancer). Hopefully the tree in their backyard is still standing.
Then we came home and Jason went to his parent’s to share the news, Steff, Blake and Jameson were also there, I am SO thankful for the tribe we have close by! I just wanted to be home with Nolan. I sat on the patio and cardinals sang from the neighbors tree. Nolan even came out to read his book and sit with me. Shit! Am I dying!!?? The cardinals were there after the biopsy and I felt like it was everyone I love who has passed rooting me on. Today it was Anne Larson, whose breast cancer journey didn’t end like mine will. Reciting Phillipians 4:4. First, don’t worry. It is literally the only Bible verse I kind-of know and can recite (parts of) in my head.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Let’s go on a God tangent for a minute. I’ve been on a “faith journey” for a few years, although raised Christian, I’m having a hard time belonging to any organized religion who I feel has harmed so many. So, since covid our family has worshiped “father pillow” and “sister mattress” on Sunday mornings, we ascribe to the church of “be a good human,” and now I drum (most) Sundays. Drumming has helped ground me and being around good people, with all sorts of beliefs, helps me know I am not alone in this faith journey. That said, I have been near some tragedies this year and have struggled telling people I will pray for them, but why? I do talk to God, I do pray for them. I send good energy into the universe, hold space for them, etc. So I’ve already thought, “do I want people to pray for me?” Yes. Yes I do. Pray, send good vibes, good energy, good juju, hold space, energy. Basically think of me….cancer free. Please.
Okay. Tangent over…..for now. Jason picked up Chick-Fil-A at Nolan’s request on his way home. I was both starving and wanting to throw up, but I ate and it was delicious. Everyone I told today was amazing. Of course they were. I feel so fortunate to have the people I do to surround us. It takes a village.
I sent Shelly a text so she could keep an eye on Nolan at school. I feel like I want to wait to share with the rest of the world until I’ve met with the doctor and have more to share. But share I will. I have always been an open book, and if you don’t want to read all of this, that’s okay. Not only is this therapy for me, if I can help even one person who has to walk this journey at some point, it will have been worth it. And if the world finds out before I meet with the doctor- so be it.
After supper we watched Trolls 3 (Band Together?) and Survivor while I texted and cried. I have no idea who was voted out. My friends helped me figure out quick YouTube videos to show if a call came through during class tomorrow. They also encouraged me to stay home-I told them at home I would worry and feel like I needed to do yard work. Yuck. Not to mention I am thinking about possibly having to use sick days in the future. I started laundry on a Wednesday….I MUST be sick. Also is it seriously only Wednesday?!?
I feel like that brings me to now, but I know more happened. Phillipian (What’s a Phillipain? -rhetorical, I don’t care.) Tells me to not be anxious about anything, and I will breathe that, but. I’m scared. People have asked what I need. I need a list of survivors. I have some VIPs in my life who didn’t survive, but I need to know who has. I want to go to Europe in June. I want to see Nolan do the musical, and play baseball, and grow up, and graduate, and and and….. I want to enjoy my 19th, 20th, 21st anniversary with Jason and and and, and I want to be an empty nester with him, and retire and enjoy the last part of our lives. I want to teach my kids (even though I’m kind of sick of them right now), and be a leader for my peers, I want to retire at 54 or 55 (summer birthdays are weird with IPERS) and so much more..
But I am 41. 41. This was not in my plans. My body failed me. Will I ever look at my breasts the same way again?
So now what? Well. I’m tired and I don’t want to sleep. Erin says it’s because it's sad and scary and I was sitting on pins and needles for months so I’m exhausted, but now I’m too scared about the future to sleep. It’s like she does this for a living. I’ve taken 2 Advil PM and am cozy in bed. I think I’m going to turn on Friends or find golf and try to sleep. And in the morning, this won’t all just be a dream, but I’ll be ready to fight and advocate for myself.
I will pick up my classroom and get my emergency sub file ready to go. I will talk logistics to 5th graders about their concert and make sure 1st graders are ready for theirs. I will make a plan with my principal about telling my colleagues and maybe even telling my kids. I will take deep breaths and get through the day 30 minutes at a time, always knowing that today. Everything changed.