Was that a hot flash? Thank you ovaries. And other Sunday Musings.

We survived the first day of school, complete with babysitting our nephews in the evening.  This might have been one of those "yes's" that sounded better at the time.  But they're cute and funny, and Jason and Nolan worked harder than I did.  I only got my teacher voice out once....no helmet negotiation with Auntie Ann.  I also started Anastrozole on Friday night.

Saturday we slept late and relaxed, I went to Moulin Rouge with Allison and Ray (I LOVE it when they need to adopt me!).  Fun music, LOVE the dancing, entertaining show, great company.

Last night I may have (?) experienced my first hot flash as I was trying to fall asleep.  It felt like pins and needles and heat in an instant.  It didn't last long, but wasn't comfortable.  Stay tuned on the menopause saga.

I'm going to start this next part by saying that I am a believer in and fan of science and Western medicine.  That said, I'm also game for things that can't hurt, and may actually help!  (With limits- carbs, alcohol and sugar are current coping mechanisms- I'm a work in progress.)

As I've written, I have a new djembe family at Whispers.  I knew nothing about Whispers until June 2023, and it's an amazing place.  Gayle and Jim have created quite a welcoming community.  Jim is also a Shaman.  I didn't know anything about shamanism until a few days before surgery when Jim did a shamanic journey for me.  He continued those journeys as I proceeded through radiation.  Now, as my ovaries are shutting down, I am to find a way to thank them for all they've done.  I've been thinking about this for over a week, because I'm mad at them!  I haven't known where to start.

Yesterday I googled "what do ovaries do?"  Ridiculous right!?  I'm a woman, I should know this.  In the last week I know we're shutting them down because they produce the hormones that fed my tumor and we want them to stop so my chances of recurrence go down.  I know that it felt, at times, like they were contracting and trying to exit my body.  So how do I thank something that I now believe to be total assholes?

Google says "ovaries produce the hormones estrogen and progesterone, which are important for reproduction, fertility, pregnancy, and female trails like breast development, body shape and body hair."  I'm gonna go ahead an skip over the breast development, body shape and body hair part...because I'm struggling with nice things to say.  I'll skip straight to reproduction-without details (you're welcome).  I am thankful that my ovaries allowed me to have Nolan.   It was fascinating to feel and see the alien like swooshes, punches and kicks, it was (is) exhausting, exhilarating, and rewarding to raise a newborn-teenager.  

Nolan has helped me have a different appreciation and awe for our parents and their parenting (without iPads and multiple cartoon channels in small towns, and no family close by).  He taught me how to be a better teacher who can more easily relate to my students.  Everyday I think about what I want for him, the world I want him to grow up in, and the people I want him to surround himself with.  He has helped me be a more reflective and kind human.  He  taught me a love greater than I knew possible that I am able to share.  I want to believe that would be true had I become a parent in another way (no ovaries needed), but he is the greatest gift they gave me, and for that I am thankful.  More thankful than one paragraph can convey.

I honestly haven't given my ovaries much thought in the last 14ish years, and really the 27 years before that.  Even this year, with a breast cancer diagnosis, I didn't think about them...until now that they need to be shut down.  While I thought I would be someone who would be "fine with a mastectomy" if faced with breast cancer (who quickly changed her tune when the rubber met the road), I'm feeling much less attached to my ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and cervix.  I feel ready to thank them for Nolan, and all else they've provided me related to womanhood.  I'm also feeling more and more ready to have a few less things in my body that can cause problems.  No surgery is scheduled....yet.

This week is a full week of school.  It's going to be hard, but it will also give a good snap shot of what a normal week will look and feel like.  I haven't had one of those since the last week in February (no early outs, doctors or sub plans).  I will row 3 times this week and start tracking again on WW, I will also give myself grace.  The reward is proving to myself that I CAN do this (as well as a beautifully quiet 3 day weekend.)





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